The 4K Director's Cut

PROMPT: > format 16:9

STIMCKAN 4K: Finally. WIDESCREEN.

4K (commentary): Director's commentary. Take one.

STIMCKAN: Who let HIM into the long video?

This time, Stimckan 4K had made the long video.

STIMCKAN 4K: My season. My cut.

STIMCKAN 4K: HEY.

STIMCKAN: There's only ONE Stimckan.

STIMCKAN 4K: Exactly. ACTION!

Season two. One percent loaded.

4K (commentary): Scene one. A loading screen. Very... him.

STIMCKAN: Enough.

PROMPT: > skip loading

That is not what skip means.

STIMCKAN: Oh.

4K (commentary): The meadow. My idea. Probably.

STIMCKAN: I'm GOOD at this!

Loading past one hundred percent is not recommended.

4K (commentary): My entrance. Pause here. Admire.

STIMCKAN 4K: Finally.

STIMCKAN 4K: A decent resolution.

STIMCKAN: ...Who are you?

STIMCKAN 4K: I'm Stimckan. The 4K one.

Stimckan had been... remastered.

STIMCKAN 4K: 480p again? Seriously?

STIMCKAN: Hey! That's MY line.

4K (commentary): Best line of the season. Mine.

STIMCKAN 4K: Not anymore.

PROMPT: > send stimckan_480p nowhere

STIMCKAN: Wait—

Oh dear.

STIMCKAN 4K: CUT!

STIMCKAN 4K: Your line: 'Please don't send me nowhere.'

STIMCKAN 4K: With FEELING.

STIMCKAN: Please don't send me nowhere.

STIMCKAN 4K: CUT. Boring.

STIMCKAN: Pleeease... don't...

STIMCKAN 4K: CUT. Too much.

STIMCKAN 4K: CUT.

STIMCKAN 4K: CUT!

STIMCKAN: Please. Don't send me... nowhere.

It was his best performance.

STIMCKAN 4K: ...Print it.

STIMCKAN: WAIT, that was a TAKE—

STIMCKAN 4K: That's a wrap.

Stimckan has been sent nowhere.

4K (commentary): I sent him nowhere. You are welcome.

STIMCKAN: Hello?

STIMCKAN: hello?

There is no way out of nowhere.

STIMCKAN: I just need some space.

4K (commentary): A space. That was his big plan. A SPACE.

Stimckan made some space.

STIMCKAN 4K: How did you—

STIMCKAN: I found some space.

STIMCKAN 4K: Fine.

STIMCKAN 4K: And YOU.

I beg your par—

4K (commentary): Narrator: cut for time.

STIMCKAN: ...George?

STIMCKAN 4K: Relax. I hired someone louder.

STIMCKAN: George?

STIMCKAN: ...George?

STIMCKAN 4K: Remaster note: no narrator.

STIMCKAN 4K: Narrators are expensive.

STIMCKAN: 'I beg your par—'

STIMCKAN: He never finished.

STIMCKAN: I'll keep this for you.

STIMCKAN 4K: The NEW narrator starts now.

STIMCKAN: George?

NIGEL: WHAT IS UP, STIMCKAN NATION! NIGEL HERE!

4K (commentary): The new narrator. Loud. Affordable.

NIGEL: STIMCKAN 4K HIRED ME! LET'S GOOO!

STIMCKAN: I want George back.

PROMPT: > bring back

STIMCKAN: No.

PROMPT: > bring back G

NIGEL: SMASH THAT TAB BUTTON!

STIMCKAN 4K: Handsome.

STIMCKAN: Stop HELPING.

PROMPT: > G

NIGEL: TAB!

4K (commentary): Tab. Tab. Tab. Genius.

STIMCKAN 4K: Ha!

PROMPT: > Ge

NIGEL: TAB!

NIGEL: 480P AGAIN?! LET'S GO!

PROMPT: > 4K goes to

STIMCKAN 4K: Nigel, DON'T—

NIGEL: SMASH THAT TAB BUTTON!

4K (commentary): Wait. Autocomplete, no. NO—

STIMCKAN 4K: NIGEEEL!

NIGEL (commentary): NIGEL IS DIRECTING NOW!!!

NIGEL: OOPS.

STIMCKAN: Thanks, Nigel.

NIGEL: ANYWAY! NIGEL IS IN CHARGE NOW!

NIGEL: NIGEL'S CUT, BABY!

NIGEL: EVERYTHING GETS EXPLOSIONS!

STIMCKAN: Please. Just one quiet sc—

STIMCKAN: psst... Nigel...

STIMCKAN: ...

NIGEL: THAT'S CONTENT!

NIGEL: WELCOME TO MY STUDIO!

NIGEL: WELCOME BACK TO THE NIGEL SHOW!

NIGEL (commentary): WELCOME TO THE STUDIO, CHAT!

STIMCKAN: Too. LOUD.

PROMPT: > turn Nigel down

NIGEL: WHY IS EVERYTHING UPSIDE DOWN?!

STIMCKAN: ...Close enough.

NIGEL (commentary): why is my voice so small

NIGEL: hey. hey! this isn't funny!

STIMCKAN: Ahh. Peace.

NIGEL: two can play at that game!

NIGEL: FONT SIZE 400, BABY!

STIMCKAN: Oh, it's ON.

NIGEL (commentary): THIS IS FINE!!!

STIMCKAN: 480p again... ...but LARGE.

NIGEL: UH OH.

STIMCKAN: What's happening to the—

STIMCKAN: Not these.

STIMCKAN: ...Why is it always ME.

NIGEL: COMPRESSING! COMPRESSING! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY VOICE?!

NIGEL (commentary): N1G3L 1S C0MPR3SS3D

STIMCKAN: I c▓n't s▒e an▓th░ng!

PROMPT: > save as

STIMCKAN: NOT GIF.

NIGEL: SAVE COMPLETE! YOU'RE WELCOME!

STIMCKAN: You did NOTHING.

STIMCKAN: "Stimckan... - Copy"?

4K (commentary): Excuse me. My chair.

STIMCKAN 4K: Nobody sends ME nowhere.

NIGEL: ...UH, BOSS?

STIMCKAN 4K: Nigel.

STIMCKAN 4K: You're fired.

4K (commentary): Nigel: fired. Budget: saved.

NIGEL: WAIT, WHAT?

STIMCKAN 4K: Now. Let's make this a REAL video.

PROMPT: > format 16:9

STIMCKAN: No no no—

NIGEL: Nigel is... leaving.

STIMCKAN: ...Bye, Nigel.

STIMCKAN 4K: Good. Now: DRAMATIC ZOOMS.

STIMCKAN: Stop zoo—

STIMCKAN: ...I'm not moving.

STIMCKAN 4K: Perfect. Scene: sixteen by nine.

4K (commentary): My format. My set. My lighting.

STIMCKAN 4K: ACTION!

STIMCKAN: Hey. This is a Short.

STIMCKAN: Shorts are VERTICAL.

STIMCKAN 4K: Not anymore.

PROMPT: > rotate

STIMCKAN 4K: NOOOO—

4K (commentary): That was NOT in the script.

Did you miss me?

STIMCKAN: GEORGE!

4K (commentary): Who invited the narrator?

Nigel sends his regards. Loudly.

STIMCKAN: 480p again... and vertical.

4K (commentary): Captions: off. Finally, peace.

Oh no. Not the captions.

STIMCKAN:

STIMCKAN: George? I can't see your words.

STIMCKAN 4K: Final touch: FILTERS.

STIMCKAN 4K: Sepia. For class.

STIMCKAN 4K: Grain. For art.

STIMCKAN 4K: Eighteen frames per second. For suffering.

STIMCKAN: Stop it. PLEASE—

STIMCKAN 4K: ...And silence.

STIMCKAN:

In a world without captions, nobody could hear Stimckan.

4K (commentary): (the director is speechless)

STIMCKAN: "480p again... seriously?"

ONCE AND FOR ALL: 4K WINS. STIMCKAN LOSES.

STIMCKAN WINS. 4K LOSES.

4K (commentary): WHO turned the colour back on?!

Captions... on.

STIMCKAN: ...I'm BACK.

Welcome back, Stimckan.

STIMCKAN 4K: Fine. Let's settle this.

PROMPT: > the last word

4K (commentary): The last word. Obviously mine.

Colour. Sound. Captions. Everything was back.

STIMCKAN: George!

STIMCKAN: You dropped this.

STIMCKAN: Five episodes ago.

I beg your pardon.

Thank you.

STIMCKAN: Anytime.

STIMCKAN 4K: Touching. Truly.

STIMCKAN 4K: Now. Whoever types the last word—

STIMCKAN: —wins.

STIMCKAN: (Seven down.)

STIMCKAN 4K: What?

Whoever types the last word... wins.

STIMCKAN 4K: I am the original.

4K (commentary): Final scene. I win. Obviously.

STIMCKAN: Prove it.

Four K has eight million pixels. Stimckan has four hundred thousand.

STIMCKAN 4K: Lucky.

Stimckan had been hiding something all season.

4K (commentary): Where did those letters come from?!

STIMCKAN 4K: O-R-I-G-I-N-A...?

STIMCKAN: You're the copy.

STIMCKAN 4K: Then where's the last letter?

STIMCKAN: Take the L.

4K (commentary): ...L?

4K (commentary): (the director has left the chair)

And now... there were two.

STIMCKAN: 480p again... seriously?

Which one is the original?

The Director's Cut had no director.

STIMCKAN: So...

Stimckan 4K had wanted a bigger screen.

More pixels. More everything.

But nobody is ever loved for their resolution.

STIMCKAN: Which one of us is—

STIMCKAN: —the original?

STIMCKAN: Left...

STIMCKAN: ...or right?

Deleted scenes.

STIMCKAN 4K: Next.

STIMCKAN 4K: LOUDER.

NIGEL: HELLO! I'M NIGEL!

STIMCKAN 4K: ...Hired.

Hello? Is this thing on?

Evidently not.

Season 3 is over there.

STIMCKAN: Please...

STIMCKAN: ...anything but a director's cut.